NEW For when “separate” feelings show up monthly.

Independence feelings got you edgy?

Introducing StayFree Alberta™: premium protection for those sudden surges of “we should totally go it alone” energy. Soft on the outside, remarkably absorbent for… strong opinions.

Leak-Resistant Hot Takes Windproof to Prairie Drama Snap-On Calm
Get Relief Read the “Platform”

*Not medical advice. Side effects may include reduced urge to post maps, fewer “just asking questions,” and an improved ability to say “maybe we can fix things.”

StayFree Alberta™ Ultra-Absorbent

For peak “Ottawa did this” hours.

Best Seller
StayFree Alberta Ultra-Absorbent
Absorbs Rage
Up to 12 hours of comment sections.
Alberta Fit™
Extra coverage for independence-era sensitivity.
Containment Core™
Keeps “just asking questions” from spreading.
Soft-Touch
Gentle on feelings. Tough on facts.
$9.99 / pack
Includes 20 “units of calm.”
Add to Cart

Choose your level of protection

From mild annoyance to “printing a constitution at Staples.”

Limited Edition: Prairie Pink

Everyday Liner

For casual “why can’t we just…” moods.
  • Light absorption for mild grumbles
  • Fits discreetly under “just common sense”
  • Great for family dinners & talk radio
$5.99 / pack
Add

Ultra Absorbent

For referendum-season sensitivity.
  • Handles sudden “we’re leaving” speeches
  • Locks in hot takes, reduces spillover
  • Odour-control for “it’s all Ottawa” loops
$9.99 / pack
Add

Overnight Max

For late-night doomscrolling & map-sharing.
  • Extra-long coverage for long threads
  • Wings for high-speed lane changes in discourse
  • Helps you wake up thinking “maybe… compromise?”
$12.99 / pack
Add

Disclaimer: StayFree Alberta™ is satire. It does not diagnose anything, cure anything, or replace civics class. It simply offers a soft, pink reminder that feelings are real — and policy is, unfortunately, also real.

How it works

You don’t have to “leave the country” every time you’re annoyed. You can just… regulate the moment.

Identify the flare-up
Is it fuel prices, a headline, or someone saying “federal transfer” out loud?
Apply StayFree Alberta™
A little coverage goes a long way when the vibe gets… constitutional.
Proceed with your day
You can still be passionate. Just less… “drafting a flag on Canva.”

What it’s good for

Town halls
Prevents “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed in Confederation.”
Tailgates & coffee lines
Keeps conversations from turning into a 47-minute rant.
Social media
Reduces “threadstorm leakage” and vague threats to “take our ball home.”
Bonus feature: Reality-Check Lining™
Designed to catch runaway claims before they stain your group chat.

Real-ish reviews

From people who definitely exist and are not your uncle on Facebook.

“Game changer.”

“I used to wake up furious at ‘the East’ with no plan. Now I wake up only mildly annoyed, and I can still make it to work. Love the soft edges.”

— Deb, Red Deer (allegedly)
“So absorbent.”

“Took one to a meeting where someone said ‘sovereignty’ eight times in ten minutes. Stayed dry. Nobody printed a map. Incredible.”

— “J.R.”, Calgary
“Stops the spillover.”

“Before StayFree Alberta™, every conversation turned into a referendum pitch. Now we mostly talk about hockey and potholes. Blessed relief.”

— Morgan, Lethbridge

Ready to feel… StayFree?

Stock up for the next time someone says “we should just leave” like it’s a Costco run. Put a little pink between you and the meltdown.

Checkout Read the FAQs

By clicking Checkout you agree not to start a constitutional crisis in the comments section. (We know. It’s aspirational.)

FAQ (Because obviously)
Is this anti-Alberta?
No. It’s pro-Alberta. It’s anti-drama.
Will it stop all separatist urges?
Results vary. Try hydration, a walk, and reading past the headline.
Is there a “pipeline edition”?
We’re working on a model that’s both supportive and doesn’t leak.